a) Single,
b) Desperate, and
c) Hung like a baboon.
Ha! Not really, that's not true. He's not desperate.
- I'm looking at the website for "Innocent" smoothies right now. Wouldn't it be cool if there was a way you could taste drinks, etc. over the internet? Kind of like scratch and sniff? In fact, I wish that they had scratch and sniff on the internet as well. Or maybe you could experience what things feel like to touch. Because then if you were buying some fabric online you could feel it and then you'd know what you were paying for.
- I have a fantastic T-Shirt that I bought in Hong Kong, and it's got "Chinglish" writing all over it, which is hilarious, and it says things like "Happy is my dog. Go wide!" But the problem is that the writing is on the front of my T-shirt, exactly where my boobs are. So if I want people to laugh at my t-shirt, in effect, I have to invite them to check out my rack.
- I have a friend called Spanish Tom. He once had a Spanish girlfriend and therefore thinks that anything remotely Spanish is wonderful (no word yet on whether the ex-girlfriend is also wonderful by default of her being Spanish) We once spent the whole afternoon sitting outside and he was saying things like "She's hot. But the girls are hotter in Barcelona. That's a nice piece of pavement. But the pavement is better in Madrid. That's a really nice English person. But English people are cooler in Spain." It's kinda annoying. But he is a really nice guy. He sends me text messages in Spanish.
- You know when you're really hungry, and you want to make dinner, but you don't want to eat dinner quite so early so you promise yourself you'll eat dinner at 8:30, not 7:00, so instead you eat some ice-cream? Yeah, I did that.
- I have four one-pound coins in front of me, and they all have something different on them. No, you idiot, on the other side. The Queen is always on a pound coin. Although, having said that, I've just noticed that on all of the coins, the Queen looks slightly different. Aha! She's ageing! Isn't that nice? If you become a monarch, you get to have your ageing process embossed onto the Nation's money.
- When I become Queen of the world, I'm going to have the MATH's face on coins instead of mine. Because he's prettier than me.
- If I was going to turn this blog into a book, what would it be called? What would it be about?
- Sometimes when I'm pretending to write a newspaper article, I have to remember the "Who? What? Where? Why? When?" rule of reportage. So then I have to mutter "whowhatwherewhywhen" under my breath and I worry that people think I'm crazy.
- I once had a Chinese name, but I've forgotten it now.
- I think that Gwen Stefani was marginally cooler when she was in No Doubt.
- There's been controversy over here in England because apparantly the Pakistani cricket team were accused of tampering with the ball during some testing match or something. How do you tamper with a cricket ball? And then I found my answer in the Guardian. Apparantly you can eat sweets, and then expel your sticky, slightly sweet saliva all over the cricket ball which changes its mid-air trajectory. That's disgusting.
- I like reading Jasper Fforde's books because if you haven't read the classics then you don't understand them.
- Don't you just love the bit in the Simpsons where Homer's hippy mum is singing "How many roads must a man walk down, before you can call him a man?" and Homer says "five!" And then Lisa says "Dad, it's a rhetorical question" and then Homer says "oh. Six!"???
- The Guardian crossword today was really, really hard and I would like my money back please, Mr. Guardian newspaper man.
- I'm going to go now. OK? OK.
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