My trip to Edinburgh: Day 1

It really was like being in a Bamboo-infested land.

· Catch very early train from Leeds up to Edinburgh. End up not sitting in the seats the ticket machine assigned us, and spend most of the trip wondering what will happen if some people get on and look at us and say “Move, you’re sitting in our seats.” Construct an elaborate response in my head which involves an amputee (hence the inability to get to our further-away seat), a missing boat of schoolchildren, and a Hobbit. Am somewhat miffed, to tell the truth, when we arrive in Edinburgh and I haven’t had to use this excuse.

· Arrive at Edinburgh Waverley station. Have a MASSIVE arguement with the MATH over which exit to take to get out of the station.

· Ask myself “Do I really want to have babies with this man?”

· Meet up with our Aussie friend The Biologist.

· Check into our hostel. Realise that the 3 of us are sharing a room which has a deadbolt door and are only given 1 room key to share. Therefore must always figure out who has the key when going to the bathroom. Find myself asking such intimate questions as “Well, I’m only going to brush my teeth. Is anyone going to the toilet? You might take a little bit longer than me, depends on what you’re going to do in there. So, shall you take the key?” Feel quite uncomfortable asking these questions.

· Lunch at American Pizza Bar. Amuse myself by thinking how all of these dishes would taste better with Haggis on them: Pizza with haggis, garlic bread with haggis, banana split with haggis, the list is endless!

· Reach end of menu.

· Walk around the city and admire the Scottish Parliament. Although realise that it looks like someone built a building in the middle of a bamboo field and then thought “Oh crap, what am I going to do? I know, I’ll just pretend that the bamboo is part of the décor. Nobody will ever notice.” And then I come along and notice and foil their evil plan.

· Go on a Ghost Walk of Edinburgh city, replete with a guy in a scream mask jumping out at us in a cemetery. Woooo. Scary. Spend a lot of time thoughtfully contemplating the guide. He is charismatic. Try and figure out whether he is a charismatic bastard, or…a charismatic bastard.

· Decide that I’m going to launch a speaking tour telling girls to date an academic (preferable a mathematician), because whilst they are dorky, they also treat you very well, and then I shall wax lyrical about the joys of having a boyfriend with a nice big scholarship every month. Then, as I leave the podium, I shall casually flash my Louis Vuitton bag, and my Chanel wallet, and my sparkly diamond bracelet. And everyone will be impressed but I will have the last laugh because I bought it all for 10 bucks at Fa Yuen Street.