Tips on how not to be an obnoxious British tourist and piss me off

1) T-shirts proclaiming “Jane’s Hen weekend-Prague 2007” are stupid. As are buttons, tank tops (especially if you weigh in the neighbourhood of fifteen stone), sparkly tiaras, angel wings and alice bands. If you are wearing all of the above, then you deserve to die alone in a room.

2) If you and your mates wear T-Shirts saying “Bill’s stag weekend- Muff chasing 2007”, then consider it a given that you will not be getting any muff at all. European girls do not think you’re classy, they think you’re oversized oafs, who have all the sex appeal of a walrus that’s come down with a nasty case of herpes.

3) Do NOT applaud when the captain lands the plane. For one thing, he cannot hear you. For another thing, he doesn’t care. He would not be in the slightest bit interested if he knew. He refers to you as “The pay packets.” He doesn’t give a shit whether you think it’s amazing that you landed without dying. It’s just his job.

4) When in a Spanish airport, do not say loudly and condescendingly to the café staff “DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?” Of course they speak English, you dickwad. They work in an airport; they’re probably trilingual and that’s better than you can do. You couldn’t even be bothered to learn to say “Hola”, or “Gracias”? Yeah, then again, it might eat into your sunbed time.

5) Yes, believe it or not, airport information billboards contain both the Departure time, and the boarding time. Get. It. Right.

6) When your friends convince the cabin crew to wish you a very happy 40th birthday, the correct procedure is to slump in your seat, hissing that you’ll never talk to them again, and that they’ll regret it for the rest of their lives. You are not supposed to shriek “Oh my god, thanks soooooo muuuuuuuuch guys!” and then proceed to get drunk.

7) Trying to chat up the flight attendants is so incredibly lame and cliché, I can’t even get angry about it. They’re already done this return trip four times today, and just want to go home.

8) Don’t try and look all blasé when we hit turbulence. Admit it; deep down you’re just as worried as I am that the plane is going to drop out of the sky, because, really, HOW THE HELL DOES IT STAY UP?