So, anyway, apparently I write this blog on command, so today I thought I’d write about some things in England that annoy me:

1. I don’t like the way that double beds in England are made by somebody pushing 2 single bed frames together and then putting a mattress on top. On our bed, the fames have been put on top of each other, rather than side-by-side. So it means that rather than there being a join down the middle of the bed, between the MATH’s body and mine, the split runs along the middle of the mattress, effectively separating the tops of our bodies from the bottom. And it’s really shoddy quality too, so when either of us turn over or move in any small way, the bed kind of separates, and I normally end up with my bum wedged in between the 2 mattresses. And it’s really annoying.
   It reminds me of the time when I was in Year 8 and we were doing the high jump, and if you couldn’t make a certain height you were out, and you had to watch everybody else jump higher and higher heights. Anyway, I was pretty much the last one left being practically the tallest chick in the school (i.e. over 5 foot) and I ran up and did this awesome jump in front of everyone, but then the two landing cushions had been pushed apart slightly, and I landed right in the crack. I mean, I didn’t even bounce into the crack, I just landed straight in there. Plop. It took me a while to get out of the crack, but I think that was because I was laughing so hard.
   
2. And speaking of domestic annoyances, I hate our shower. Like, I actually hate it. I didn’t know that you could actually hate inanimate things, but I guess that you can. The plastic knob to turn the water on doesn’t work, so every time I want to have a shower I have to get the MATH to unscrew the plastic casing, turn the water on using pliers, and then screw the plastic casing back on so I don’t electrocute myself, and then turn on the water heater and wait for the water to heat up, and then get in. I seriously think that I could run errands in the time it takes me to actually get in the shower.
   And then once I’m in the shower, you can’t adjust the temperature. Today’s temperature was ‘slightly above freezing’, which made a change from ‘lobster-cooking scalding’ yesterday. Then, when I get out I have to yell “I’m finished” so that we can go through the whole charade in reverse. I feel like a little kid who has to yell “Mum! I’m fiiiiiiiiinished” every time they go to the toilet.
   I think I’ll keep a record of the temperature of my shower each day, just to entertain and inform you all.
   
3. And I also hate how distances here are measured in miles even though the
   UK is a metric country. Although, I have to say, it’s pretty cool when you’re like, “yeah I walk to the shop. It’s only a mile.” Which literally means ‘around the corner.’
   It reminds me of that scene in Pride and Prejudice where Lizzy is all:
   “Yeah mum, by the way, I’m going to visit Jane at Netherfield ‘cos you made her catch a cold, you dumbass, and she'll probably die, and then who is going to marry Mr. Bingley?”
   And her mum’s all like “No way is anyone going to want to marry you if you walk three miles covered in mud”
   And Lizzie’s all “Yeah? Well, I don’t care if they see me anyway”
   And her mum's all like "You will marry Mr. Collins, and then you'll have a carriage and you won't have to walk anywhere."
   And Lizzy's all "Oh yeah? Make me."
   And I’m like “Gee, I wish the only obstacle to me getting married was that I’d been walking three miles and was covered in mud, rather than, you know, being unable to find a man who wants babies”
   
4. And finally, I hate the way people use their debit cards at the Supermarket to buy a loaf of bread or something equally small. I’ll be in the Supermarket trying to find the quickest line, and I’ll be mentally scanning all the check out queues being all: “Nope, old granny with half a year’s worth of tissues; single mum with 4 screaming kids and numerous bags of frozen chips; drunk homeless man who smells of wee and dog; aha! Young professional with hummous and pita. She’ll be quick. Oooh, fat-free hummous. Somebody’s watching their weight, aren't they? Although she’s probably going to go to the pub and drink and smoke and put all the weight back on, so why don’t you just get the normal fat content hummous? It tastes better, and maybe if you stopped drinking so much you’d lose that half a stone which makes your bum look so bad. I’ll get in line behind you, so I can feel all superior with my full-fat cheese.”
   So I get in line behind her, and they scan the items, and then she takes out her debit card, and then she swipes it. And it doesn’t work. So she swipes it again. And then she does this little titter as if to say “ooh dear, I must have spent too much money HAVING PINK PEDICURES”. And I’m standing there rolling my eyes back so much I think they’re back in aisle 4 along with the milk. And in all this time she could have paid cash.
   Anyway, I think my method of payment is better. It consists of fishing around in my bag for my wallet, opening my wallet and spraying coins everywhere, then picking them up, at the same time trying to shout “No I don’t want a bag, for, you see, I CARE about the environment” and stuff my shopping into my nerdy Green bag and give the woman the money and take back the money, all the time trying to look hot. But in the end, paying with money is a lot simpler than that stupid fricking card.

I must give credit where credit is due, and say that many of these suggestions were made by the MATH. We hate the same things; it must be true love!