These are not my friends. They are just a cartoon. Did everyone have a good Christmas? I did! Here is my Christmas day adventures:
7:30
Wake up because I set my alarm to wake me up. Fondly remember a time when I didn’t have problems waking up on Christmas day and would jump excitedly out of bed yelling “Hooray! It’s Christmas!! I love the baby Jesus! But I love Santa WAAAAAAAAAAAAAY more!”
7:35
Shower. Pretend to show a lack of interest in presents, although I’ve already mentally composed a scathing “non-thank-you” note to people who have bought me crappy presents.
7:45
Wake up brother who is still asleep. He grunts “I was out last night until late. Go away.” Sit on him repeatedly. Consider taking his present and reading it myself.
8:00
Say Merry Christmas to father, who has to go off to work. Gaily inform entire family (all 3 of them) that I bought all their presents from the Oxfam bookshop in which I volunteer, and so the books might be a bit stained and torn, and none of them cost over about 2 pounds. But they’ll have to just deal with it, because I am poor, but if they don’t give me presents that reach a minimum financial threshold, then they will pay for it (metaphorically) for the next forty years, and the parents can forget about a nice nursing home, and can instead contemplate spending their dotage in a box. In Uzebekistan.
8:00-9:00
Presents. I am happy to report that it was a good haul.
9:00-10:30
Make our way from the hotel in which we are staying to the other side of Hong Kong to the Church we used to go to when we lived there. See many old friends whilst standing in line for communion, and try to mime “Yes, I’m living in Leeds, no, no career yet, just doing odd jobs and then using the money I make to travel to Europe as much as possible, just back in HK for the Christmas period, lovely to see you, how have you been?”; which ultimately fails to get my meaning across, and looks like I have just made distasteful references to the relationship between the Three Kings and the sheep.
11:00
Randomly end up going out for Yum Cha (Chinese-style lunch) with some Asian family friends before we go to our Western family friends for Turkey. I tuck into seaweed soup and red bean buns, and noodles and Char-Siu Bau before I stop and realise that I have to go and eat a full Christmas dinner in about ten minutes time. Oh well. Those puddings don’t just eat themselves, you know.
13:00-18:00
Spend the rest of the day at the house of some old, old, old friends marvelling at the fact that I knew their teenagers when they were just a SPERM AND AN EGG* and now they’re telling me about their boyfriend/girlfriend troubles.
17:30-18:00
7:30
Wake up because I set my alarm to wake me up. Fondly remember a time when I didn’t have problems waking up on Christmas day and would jump excitedly out of bed yelling “Hooray! It’s Christmas!! I love the baby Jesus! But I love Santa WAAAAAAAAAAAAAY more!”
7:35
Shower. Pretend to show a lack of interest in presents, although I’ve already mentally composed a scathing “non-thank-you” note to people who have bought me crappy presents.
7:45
Wake up brother who is still asleep. He grunts “I was out last night until late. Go away.” Sit on him repeatedly. Consider taking his present and reading it myself.
8:00
Say Merry Christmas to father, who has to go off to work. Gaily inform entire family (all 3 of them) that I bought all their presents from the Oxfam bookshop in which I volunteer, and so the books might be a bit stained and torn, and none of them cost over about 2 pounds. But they’ll have to just deal with it, because I am poor, but if they don’t give me presents that reach a minimum financial threshold, then they will pay for it (metaphorically) for the next forty years, and the parents can forget about a nice nursing home, and can instead contemplate spending their dotage in a box. In Uzebekistan.
8:00-9:00
Presents. I am happy to report that it was a good haul.
9:00-10:30
Make our way from the hotel in which we are staying to the other side of Hong Kong to the Church we used to go to when we lived there. See many old friends whilst standing in line for communion, and try to mime “Yes, I’m living in Leeds, no, no career yet, just doing odd jobs and then using the money I make to travel to Europe as much as possible, just back in HK for the Christmas period, lovely to see you, how have you been?”; which ultimately fails to get my meaning across, and looks like I have just made distasteful references to the relationship between the Three Kings and the sheep.
11:00
Randomly end up going out for Yum Cha (Chinese-style lunch) with some Asian family friends before we go to our Western family friends for Turkey. I tuck into seaweed soup and red bean buns, and noodles and Char-Siu Bau before I stop and realise that I have to go and eat a full Christmas dinner in about ten minutes time. Oh well. Those puddings don’t just eat themselves, you know.
13:00-18:00
Spend the rest of the day at the house of some old, old, old friends marvelling at the fact that I knew their teenagers when they were just a SPERM AND AN EGG* and now they’re telling me about their boyfriend/girlfriend troubles.
17:30-18:00
Pudding.
19:00-20:30
We trek back to the hotel. By this time my brother is complaining that he’s tired, and so has decided to steal my puffy jacket and use it as a pillow. A brief scuffle breaks out of the subway, from which I emerge victorious, but not without some serious bruises, and some severe looks of scorn from the old spinsters sitting opposite us.
21:00
Realise that I am taking a flight back to the UK tomorrow. Frantically try to pack by putting everything in the suitcase and then staring at it critically, hoping that the clothes inside it will get the message and STRAIGTEN OUT.
And that was basically my Christmas. As I’m sure you can appreciate, much more stuff than just this went on, but I couldn’t find a way to make it funny. In fact, one might argue that I didn’t find a way to make THIS funny.
*Just to clarify, I do not know any sperms or any eggs personally, and never have. It’s just a metaphor to express my disbelief at the passing of so much time. And also, because it's funny to write the word "sperms" and not feel like you're being obscene.
1 comment:
Well well well, look who's finally rediscovered a keyboard. I occasionally check this blog (on my way to far better blogs, of course), but there is never anything new. I really didn't expect to see anything new this time, but there it was, and it was quite funny too.
Good work emotional stripper (can't remember what name you're using on this, so this seems appropriate).
Portia
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